Tears

Really, I've done pretty well. We've been here almost a month and I hadn't cried. I ended my streak this morning, though. There was no precipitating event - I was walking down the street and the tears just came. Here's a bit of wisdom that everyone over thirty probably already has discovered: knowing that something is going to be hard doesn't keep it from being hard when it happens. I knew that there would be times of loneliness and isolation when we went overseas, especially at the beginning. I had experienced it in Jordan years ago, and had also experienced it decreasing as I formed relationships with people and found things to do. I'm confident things will get better, but meantime, days alone in the apartment can get long.

There's another self-evident truth I've been reminded of as well. Your hard thing is hard for you. I know that what I'm going through is not the hardest thing in the world. We have friends and family whose lives are coming apart, who are struggling deeply with their children, who are jobless, who are sick. Comparing my problems with theirs gives me perspective. Nevertheless, isolation is my difficulty at this time, and it is hard for me. We're not all given the same load to bear, but we each have a load.

One last observation, and I'll stop. God seems more real, or maybe just more necessary, in difficulty. One blessing of having time on my hands is I have the luxury of reading the Bible and praying without rushing. My mind still wanders, but I have also gained sustenance from coming to the Bible with a very real sense of need. I'll be happy for this season to end, but I also hope to glean from it what I can while I'm in it.

For all our friends and family who are sympathetic and kind (that's everybody - we're lucky that way) I don't want to make you feel bad for me by what I've said. I really will perk back up, probably within the hour. I just thought I'd write down what I was feeling when I was feeling it. I'm sure I will soon echo the immortal words of the guy who was turned into a newt in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, " I got better!"